There comes a point (or in many cases, several points) in a person's life when she is just done caring about other people's feelings, which are actually just little fits of egotism most of the time. fortunately for those whose lives are marked by my constant presence, i haven't yet reached that pinnacle of indifference, contrary to popular belief. i still am and, as it appears, always will be an observer, a conformist and a pushover. sadly, assertiveness is not of abundance in my personality, compared to my overflowing desire to please. my passivity in my dealings with the world will ultimately lead to my unending unhappiness and dissatisfaction, with the lingering thoughts of shoulda woulda couldas. it's just sad.
and of course i'm exaggerating. i'm just trying to show you how a person drowning in self-pity would have blogged about her existence. however, i do think i lack assertiveness. where could i buy that? maybe i should borrow some from *name withheld on the grounds of peer betrayal*, who has assertiveness at dangerous, actually virulent levels.
wow. there. something just happened to back up the pretty much established fact that i am weak. is it because i'm a psych major? is my giving attitude a mere euphimism of a highbrow, condescending interaction with the "less-informed"? do i let other people have their way because i think i know better? arrogant as i am, i think it's more than that. i'm done psychoanalyzing myself. i have four to nine more years for that.
two nights ago, when i was (again) reflecting on my relationship with God, i thought of how overused "God quotes" are (in fact, they were constantly mentioned in the not-so-recent reason of my being grounded). none of them actually make sense when i take time to think about them logically, yet i tenaciously rehearse them over and over like an LSS. then i thought of the saying, "God moves in mysterious ways", most satisfying of all divine excuses. sometimes, this could be misleading. we often look for miracles, those "mysterious moves" by God, that we overlook the most basic, obvious, "natural" blessings. it doesn't have to be cryptic to be heaven sent. divine intervention isn't always accompanied by the parting of the sky, a blinding beam of light and a choir of angels. sometimes, it's just water vapor forming coulds that condense to rain to fill the la mesa dam for the not-so-rainy days. Isn't God just great?