it's christ's birthday and not mine, but i feel like i'm the one who grew a year older, years and years older even. i felt miserable, and even more miserable that i was miserable on the happiest day of the year (christmas was my holiday, not even my birthday beats christmas). christmas eve was just about as eventful as having my eyebrows done, which was basically the only thing that made the day different from the 364 others (and noche buena of course, but then i always eat a lot late at night so...). christmas day was spent sleeping through the fever. only got up to go to my lolo's sister's house to make pamasko (the make+tagalogword combination sickens me but i just had to). that was it.
i feel so old. like christmas isn't for me anymore. the grown-ups (which apparently include me now) didn't put much effort into making christmas christmasy. we didn't even have a stupid tree. i missed the smell of christmas morning. i fucking lost my sense of smell eh. but i bet there wasn't gonna be that heartwarming smell even if i did have the ability to sense it. there weren't any gifts for the "grown-ups". taena, wala pa kasi akong trabaho, penge namang regalo diyan. i didn't dress up for christmas day because i knew i wasn't going out. when i did go out though (to make pamasko nga), i wore shorts that were apparently too short. i could not believe it. i don't even wear shorts, and the one time i did, it had to be in the province where wearing shorts was exclusive to those who don't look good in them. oo, maganda sakin ang shorts, tae. sorry ah. haha. shit, galit na'ko niyan. it was christmas and it sucks 'cause it doesn't feel like it.
but even if it looks like i was too busy complaining about christmas to actually enjoy the little that could be enjoyed, i was actually reflecting. oo eh, rumereflect ako. karen sent me this christmas greeting that made me realize that i didn't have to get everything i want for christmas. actually, i didn't have to get anything at all. it's not my birthday, it's His, and if anyone should be getting gifts, eating feasts and sniffing christmas air, it's Him. so happy birthday Jesus! i love You.